Polymath Ben: Part 1

My mother bought me the Autobiography of Ben Franklin for my birthday. Its pretty intersting so far so I figured I'd write an informal book report. The following was written in an hour and not proofread. Source mentioned above, some of it might be made up.

Polymath Ben 

Fig. 1 Ben in his later, wealthier and uglier years.

Ben Franlin was born near the turn of the 18th century in Boston. He was the 10th and youngest son out of his father's 15 children. His father had immigrated from England where his profession was something to do with dying clothes, and made his living in the new world making soap and candles. He was a very nerdy bookish kind of child, which set him in line to follow in his brother James path as a printer.

But Ben and James never got along great, mostly because Ben was a snotty little brat and took every opportunity to make James look stupid. James didn't treat Ben all that well either but it is difficult to tell which came first. But Ben was good and he ended up working for James for a bit anyway. There followed an interesting instance in which James got thrown in prison for "causing offence to the assembly" and was banned from printing his paper. Since Ben had continued the paper during his brother's inprisonment he got the early distinction of having the paper printed under his name as a teenager.

When Ben was a kid what he mostly had to read was his father's enormous collection of religious books. With that source material it could only go one of two ways and Ben became a big shit talker about religion. Well he gained a bad reputation as "an infidel or athiest" and since he had already helped piss off the political powers too he figured he'd be better leaving the paper printed in his name and moving to Pennsylvania.

In Pennsylvania he mucked about with the two printers simultaneously, both of whom kinda sucked. He housed with one and worked for the other. People who met him were often impressed with his youth and ability. But he was still a little 18 year old squirt, and his dad couldn't help him much on account of his having way too many kids.


Well at some point Ben got the idea from this Tryon fellow, who wote a book or something, that eating animals was unprovoked murder. He found that his newfound vegetenairism saved him a butload of cash, which he often wasted by lending it to his friends, often unrecompensed.

The governer of Pennslyvania took notice of this able and snarky kid and decided he would set him up in business since they needed a good printer. He promised a shop and a press and everything he needed, and suggested Ben get his supplies from England himself. Well this governer Keith fellow was a big phony, and while continually promising letters of introduction, credit and everything else managed to send him to England empty handed.

Luckily Ben was shipmates to this really cool dude they called Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton was loaded and appreciated good company so Ben had a pretty good ride after all. He gave up this strict vegetarian nonsence at some point, but was at least able to use it later in life as a good way to save money if nothing else. Along with them as shipmates Ben had his good friend Ralph, who thought himself a poet though Ben had his doubts. Ralph was pretending to look for opportunity and learning in England but was really just running away from his wife and kid.

Well, in England Ben was able to immidately find gainful employment in a famous printing house on account of him being a really hoopy frood. Ralph, on the other hand, tried a bit but was a continual failure, partly from him being a drunk because he was a failure, and partly because he thought he was an actor and a poet and not a leather scraper or whatever it was people did back then to make money. Ben and Ralph both spent Ben's money on necessities of living and on entertaiment, which was freakin awesome in England. So though Ben new he needed to save up to get back to Pennsylvania he and his companion parasite lived paycheck to paycheck for quite a while.

Ben lived in England from something like age 18-20. I don't feel like figuring all the details out you can if you want. In his first year he published some religon-bashing manuscript he wrote, which he calls "another erratum" of his life. To add to his erratums, when his friend Ralph moved to another town Ben tried to get a little too friendly with Ralph's girlfriend (whom he was also supporting), which led to Ralph deciding he didn't owe Ben any money after all. Way to act teenage Ben! Oh and good friend choosing too!

After the first year Ben moved up to what he calls an even more awesome printing house which was populated by a bunch of perpetual drunks. He ran circles around them and made good money kicking ass. He got a better place and started saving money to go back. Always impressing people he showed off his swimming, the likes of which folks of those parts had never seen. He met up with some big international businessmen and was signed on for a business in importing/exporting upon his return to America. After arranging to go back he was offered a handsome sum to teach rich kids to swim. He says if he hadn't already bought the ticket he would have stayed and been a swimming teacher.

Well thats how far I've gotten in the book so far. I assume he heads back to Pennsylvania next since thats what he said he wanted to do.

how plants trick water

Fig 1. Water engaging in Self-Love

A drop of water doesn't actually hate cabbage, it just loves itself. It loves itself so much it squeezes itself into a ball and gleefully zips off to find other things it loves.

Water is a mob of liquid magnets. The individuals have a front and a back, they all prefer the same position with their water mates and they like each other a lot. They like to have parties and a quintillion of them can squeeze into a tight ball.

Water is plant blood, but plants don't have pumps.

Surfaces with magnetic texture are a sprawling palace for the water. Surfaces like glass but not wax. A water molecule cannot resist an endless hall of polar easy chairs on one of these surfaces, and will pull the entire neighborhood over to join it.

Inside of a plant is a long narrow corridor of easy chairs. But the plant can only pull in a water party to a certain height before gravity says "Not in my neighborhood buddy, your meniscus stops here!"

Gravity takes control at about the 1 meter level but the plant knows another trick. It can grow taller.

Fig 2. A closer look at tricky tubes

Once the water encounters gravity it stops. But where it stops is a medieval hotbox chamber for water. The evil leaf tortures the molecules with sunlight and they vent their frustration on one another. When one gets angry enough it'll totally loose it and fly off the handle. It'll just get sick of the water party and flee to join the careless life of a gas.

Here's where the real trick is: To exit the plant the water molecules have to fly through non-polar stuff like Nitrogen. Its like a lubricant in their magnetic world. As angry as they are they realize they still love each other very much and really couldn't care less about this Nitrogen crap. The vaporized molecules form a sort of magnetic convection current, vacuuming the pool up behind them. As the water subjugation machine grows it forces ever greater columns of water molocules to climb the ladder to heaven only to be immolated, cast from the canopy into the wind and removed from their loving kindred.

Victims of the clever plant the water molecules take a long one way journey. Their afterlife is a complete mystery to me.